And The Oscare Goes To: The First Annual Awards for Best Parenting Expert

Hollywood is not known for its stellar parents.  But Brangelina and friends could could teach the parenting industry a thing or two about honoring its best.  When’s the last time you heard who won Best Parenting Expert?  My point exactly…it needs some glamming up, but it could work.   

Of course, it’s also true the film biz doesn’t have the market on drama. Oh, no. Think again.  Sure, there’s no red carpet, no celebrity presenters, but we parents got plenty of outstanding performances this past year alone.   

So let me welcome you to the First Annual O’SCARES, an official if not lavish recognition of noteworthy parenting advice and information brought to you without commercial interruption or any sleep-inducing film clips.    

So without further ado the Best Parenting Experts of the Year.  Or at least the most noteworthy…

Best Drama: The Autism-Vaccine Saga

An electrifying story of how one small study captivated (held captive) millions of anxious parents for over a decade.

Best Director: Andrew Wakefield

The man behind The Saga, the now discredited, disgraced former doctor and autism “expert” who orchestrated the vaccines-autism fallacy.

Best Actor (Female): Jenny McCarthy

The finest fictional portrayal of a medical expert goes to this former PlayBoy Bunny, chief cheerleader of Generation Rescue and mother of a (maybe-maybe not) autistic boy.  

Best Actor (Male): Nicholas Kristof

The finest fictional portrayal of a medical expert goes to the New York Times columnist who’s dramatized the danger of toxins like bisphenol-a and pthalates while pushing that other parenting panic button, autism.  Splendid fiction.

Best Supporting Actor (Male):  The authors of Slow Death by Rubber Duck: The Secret Danger of Everyday Things.

The two environmentalists sacrificed their health in the name of pseudoscience and the Amazon best-seller list.  Their “self-experiments” (i.e. bathing in phthalates and bisphenol-a) yielded, of course, great and dramatic evidence of toxicity. 

FYI, you’ll have to wait to read the book, it’s selling like hot cakes and out-of-stock.  Even the sales-hungry publishing industry understimated the public’s taste for fear-mongering pseudoscience. 

Best Supporting Actor (Female): Researcher Shanna Swan 

The chemical crusader’s scared us parents half silly linking prenatal phthalates to horror-of-horrors, boy’s less boyish play and in the original fallacious phallic study, abnormalities that other experts don’t perceive as abnormal, or of any particular significance.  Undeterred by a slap on the wrist by no less than the Supreme Court who threw out her “expert” testimony, Swan works tirelessly to promote the perils of phthalates.

Best Documentary: Fear of Infant Formula
 
(Remember, this award recognizes the opposite of dramatic fiction.  And it’s sometimes too dull, too boring.  It’s also what we don’t find in the media or the stories we ignore or are too busy or distracted to recall).  
 
The relatively small benefits of breastfeeding might make women reconsider breastfeeding for a year, hooking up to a double-breast pump, not to mention buying breastmilk from a stranger. Or feeling like crap for not being able to breastfeed.  If we only read this information.  Sure, infant formula’s got some issues, namely high fructose corn syrup (not the Organic Similac) – but it’s not harmed any baby yet.
 
I’m sure there’s some I’ve missed, stayed up too late watching the Oscars last night.  Unlike the Academy I welcome late submissions…if anyone’s noticed any omissions, I’m willing to make changes…